In recent days, reports have circulated in the
media and on the Internet about the tragic early passing of yet another young
man in our community. Those reports indicate that the trauma of childhood abuse
followed him and complicated his adult life to the point that it impinged on
the quality of his personal relationships.
It is not the intent of these lines to substantiate
these reports nor is it to dismiss them. Rather, we wish to use the opportunity
presented by this horrible calamity and the dialogue it has created on the
internet and in the street to once again loudly and forcefully reiterate the
message we have been projecting for many years to victims of abuse –
“Please
reach out for help and do not suffer alone.”
For even in the event that the facts as reported in
this particular tragedy are not accurate, they are most certainly consistent
with the pattern we have unfortunately seen over and over again, where victims
of childhood abuse go through unspeakable agony as they attempt to
singlehandedly deal with the toxic aftereffects of the trauma they suffered in
their formative years. We have each encountered numerous instances where
untreated childhood abuse follows victims into adulthood, shredding their
marriages and rendering them often incapable of entering into a loving and
intimate relationship with their spouses until a trained mental health
professional helps them sort things out. We have each been involved with more
than a few childhood abuse victims who became addicted to heroin and/or cocaine,
in an unsuccessful attempt to wash away the searing pain of their trauma. We
have each paid more than a few shiva calls to families of
abuse victims, who years and even decades later took their own lives.
There are a number of reasons why abuse victims would
not avail themselves of intervention and assistance. Some are understandably
reluctant or frightened to share the facts of their abuse with others. Others,
who did have the courage to confide in adults in their lives were encouraged or
intimidated into remaining silent – especially if the perpetrator is a
respected individual or a close family member. This sends a horrible message to
the victim – that he or she has done something that cannot see the light of
day. The result is a that a never-ending video loop now plays in the mind of
the victim, as societal pressure abuses them again and again, by forcing them
to remain silent and unsupported.
There are many events that simultaneously involve
more than one “system.” For example, when one gets arrested for driving under
the influence which caused injuries or death, there are criminal penalties for
drunk driving and financial reparations due for the damages caused. However,
neither of these tracks deals with the fact that the perpetrator has a drinking
problem. Courts realize they cannot treat alcoholism, as revoking licenses,
impounding cars, and even jail terms will not prevent recidivism – especially
if treatment is warranted but not followed.
Various efforts have been undertaken in recent
years – all of which are necessary – in the arenas of prevention, education,
training, and the need for reporting. And we both have proudly participated in
many of them. However, despite the fact that these initiatives and the
awareness they generate are often soothing to past abuse victims, none of these
help them regain their footing. Only therapy by a licensed and trained
professional can accomplish that.
We are therefore reaching out to anyone who was
ever abused or molested in their childhood years and begging you to please do
yourself the ultimate favor and get help.
Therapy may not solve all issues in your life, but
it will do much to make your future brighter and filled with greater promise.
In fact, many survivors thrive and build beautiful lives for themselves and
their families following successful treatment.
It may be true that some people are resilient and
survive with little apparent damage (apparent is the operative word). However,
this is not the norm, and with the dangers involved, we would not recommend that
you even risk this small chance. So; for your sake, and for the sake of your
spouse and children, please, please get help.
This may mean several things:
1. Contact a mental
health professional who is experienced in counseling trauma victims. (I
strongly feel that well-intentioned individuals like me, who do not have
professional training in abuse treatment, are not equipped to deal with these
issues and should limit our involvement to supporting the efforts of the professionals,
and steering those who seek our guidance in these matters directly to them.
Y.H.)
2. Get information
about trauma and its effects.
3. Connect with
other victims/survivors. The camaraderie and support are invaluable.
We strongly suggest that you ignore those who
inform you, that getting married and starting a family will help you, “Get over
it.” Experience has taught us that it will often complicate things rather than
heal them.
Please, please do not suffer alone. Reach out for
help today.
In closing, we offer you our sincere and
heartfelt bracha that Hashem grant you menuchas hanefesh and simchas hachayim (tranquility
and joy) in your lives.
© 2009 Dr. Benzion Twerski and Rabbi Yakov
Horowitz, all rights reserved
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is a regular columnist in The
Jewish Press. Dr. Benzion Twerski is a renowned and much sought-after mental
health professional who holds a Ph.D. in psychology from University of
Pittsburgh. Dr. Twerski has been one of the leading voices in our community on
the issue of child abuse for more than a decade. He lives and practices in
Brooklyn, N.Y. and can be reached at btwerski@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment